Join LaRonda as she shares her experience of being the lone Deafie at a family Christmas gathering, and how she coped.
Transcript:
Hello.
Christmas is now over. All finished. I’m curious, however, if any of you Deaf folks out there had the same experience I did. I was pretty isolated. Why?
Well, we had a family gathering of about 20 people, schmoozing and socializing. There were children and adults, old and young, and every age in between. I came in and was wished a Merry Christmas and glad tidings. I took my coat off, put down my bags, passed out the gifts, and then….. no chats.
I felt pretty bored. It was so hard to lip-read. I felt lost. Conversations were happening all around the room, and mouths were flapping. I looked around the room often, hunting for bits and pieces of information, but only able to catch little bits here and there, until eventually, I gave up.
I tried to hang out with the kids who were playing around the place, but they wanted to play board games and I struggled to lip-read them too. Eventually, I gave up on that as well. What I found myself doing in the end was chatting on my pager with my Deaf friends spread all across the United States!
Honest to goodness! I saw many Deafies on line that day. Did that mean there were other Deaf folks who were lonely, alone or bored like me during Christmas time? That’s awful. Just awful. It feels sad. I wanted to chat and enjoy a social gathering, but being the only Deaf person at a hearing party is tough!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my family. Truly, I love and cherish them, but, whoo. I guess I have developed a tolerance level, you know, of how many hours I can actually stay in that kind of situation. On that Christmas day, whoo! I stayed from about 9:30 in the morning until about 7:30 at night. I was bored out of my skull!
Plus, I felt that I appeared as if I were rude or uninterested or maybe as if I were stuck up because I didn’t engage in talking with others, but that’s not my truth. I’m not really a wallflower. It just happened to appear that way because of the communication isolation. It was just hard to be social and keep up with conversation.
And, sadly, no one asked me questions or made any effort to sit down and try to chat with me. No one. And so, I sighed a lot, put on a smiley face most of the day until I could no longer manage one. By the end of the day, I was exhausted!
Does this happen to you? It’s awful.
Anyway, it was nice to have a pager and THAT is how I managed to stay connected to my world — through paging you, my Deaf friends.
Bye (ILY wave) (Blows a big kiss)
Oh LaRonda– I’m so sorry you were bored on Christmas day. I spent the day with my husband’s family and I was the only deaf one there, but I guess I am one of the few lucky deaf ones–his parents have taken the time to learn some signs and they always make an effort to include me in the conversation. Plus, my kids are still young and they need my attention so when the conversation turns to a topic I’m not interested in, I slip away and nurse my son.
I grew up in a deaf family and never knew what it was like to be the only deaf in a hearing family until I was 15 and spent Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. I finally understood what she meant with trying to keep up with many moving mouths, some impossible to read when they talk and eat at the same time. We kept each other company and as soon as the meal was over, we went to watch TV. Maybe that is something you can do, bring along a deaf friend to keep you company?
Hope 2009 will bring you a good year! :o)
Left by jenny on December 27th, 2008
hello LaRonda… I know the feeling… i am only one deaf in hearing family. This year i got my blackberry phone for christmas, it is very useful… I do try my best interacting with family but i end up sitting around bored, of course i feel bad cuz ppl look at me like “she must be snob or not interested” i am interested i want know what’s going on… i have tried to bring one of my deaf friend along with me few times so i had company…
Left by Rita on December 27th, 2008
That’s nearly my blog entry to a T! I’m sorry you went through the same thing. I wish I had a pager, that would’ve been a great way to keep myself occupied
Left by Tishia C on December 27th, 2008
I am grateful to have my wonderful family and relatives. Everytime we visit my parents, they *always* pay for the interpreters up to 4/5 hours. After the interpreters leave, my family *always* think of me and make sure I catch up the news. They consider and believe that we are equal in human about the casual conversation. They do not want me to miss the conversation. Without my parents, my oldest brother and I always split the $$ to get interpreters when we catch up the news with siblings.
Thanks for sharing.
Left by White Ghost on December 27th, 2008
LaRonda,
You had me laughing because that has basically been my experience growing up. I didn’t have any pager and the Internet didn’t exist back then. That is precisely how I became a bookworm. Books and comics entertained me. However, don’t misunderstand me, just as there were many times of boredom, there were also times of adventure. When I was a child, and had 40+ cousins in the same house, I never had time to be bored. There was always a game or two that involved running through, and up and down my grandparents’ grand old house with 7 bedrooms. That house was ripe for the imagination to flow (which also involved the pilfering of certain clothing accessories of Grandma’s for pretend play). My relatives also took the time to chat with me via paper and pen.
You just made me take a stroll down memory’s lane
Shel
Left by Shel on December 27th, 2008
I understand completely how you feel about being left out from your family during Holidays. I come from a big family…four siblings, 12 nieces and nephews and 13 grand nieces and nephews. I used to feel hurt for feeling left out when I spend time with my family during Holidays but few years ago I decided not to feel this way anymore. I decided to take a full control of my life and not to force myself to stay with my family for many hours. I made a decision to spend 2-4 hours when my family and I get together for Holidays or other events. It worked out beautifully for me. I also noticed that my family talked a little more with me when they knew that I wouldn’t stay with them for many hours.
I plan to visit some states or other countries during Holidays because life is too short. I want my holidays to be filled with laughter and memorable time. When I was in Israel during month of December and stayed there for three months, Deaf Jewish family invited me to their home for Hanukah. On Christmas Eve, I went to Bethlehem and happened to meet a nice group of Deaf Palestians and they invited me to their homes and parade next day on Christmas Day. I had a blast time and realized that this is what I wanted to do during Holidays. In the past few years, I have not been able to do that but I am hoping to make plans for next year and on.
When one of my siblings and I get together…just the two of us…I found myself having a great time so I decided to call it “Christmas”. Christmas does not have to be on 25th of December but during anytime of the year.
Left by Penny on December 27th, 2008
Not a problem for me. Since all my hearing family do signing. When I grew up high demand for everyone to learn to sign even i am only deaf in my family. Thank god everyone are signing to me. My children also signing to everyone too. Even though my cousin also signing too. Whew. Since, I am last baby in family. I did my job and got what I wanted from my family. I am bless with my family. I love them very much. I felt bad for you. You didnt demand from you family. Maybe you were too soft to your family. They will never learn. Sorry.. Xmas
Left by John McConelly on December 27th, 2008
I know it has been hard for you. Same here - I am the only Deaf in my large family I did my best to communicate with them .. but all they did is yapping and yapping away. I brought an interpreter with me for three hours at the Christmas party. My family and I pitched in to hire the interpreter. It is blessing but it is only a three hours. My pager is my lifesaver! Of course I love my family very much too.
Left by Diane on December 27th, 2008
I cannot say the same thing about myself and my family. We are all Deaf except for two or three.
Me lucky, me knows it.
R-
Left by The One and Only Ridor on December 27th, 2008
Hmmm… if it is just only me with my hearing family, I’d feel the same way as you felt. However, it is just four of us, my deaf hubby and my two deaf kids, which kinda pushes the envelope for my family to make more effort to include us and we reciprocate likewise, helping them to understand our signs. Recently we went to St. Louis for several days and we had a lovely time, no feeling left out and my hearing family did not exclude us at all. I believe it is a matter of number of deaf relatives and the willingness to assert ourselves, our need to communicate and our willingness to meet the hearing people halfway…
Left by Karen Mayes on December 27th, 2008
As I write this everyone is in the living room at our 5th dinner party in as many days this holiday. It is nice to see everyone but communicating past the obligatory greetings and answering the standard questions like “How’s the famly, How is work, When am I moving back home….” It is impossible to try to catch what everyone one is saying, especially the kids. I can only tolerate so much and then have to excuse my self and will be on the computer on the web cam or something to that effect. I would feel lost without my pager, laptop, or computer nearby.
This will be my last one get together of the holiday as I thankfully will be enjoying hte long drive home tomorrow.
Left by Tiffany on December 27th, 2008
Some Deaf people bring along their close Deaf friends along so they won’t be left out. It usually works out pretty well as the families know these Deaf friends.
Some Deaf people are without families for whatever reasons: parents gone, estrangement, or living far away. They usually appreciate being invited to another friend’s holiday gathering.
So it’s a win and win situation
Left by Mishkazena on December 27th, 2008
Hi LaRonda,
Great vlog! Speaking of the word, isolated. Sometimes it is not about being Deaf that makes us feeling or being isolated. It is a communication barrier that makes it isolating. No matter if we have wonderful technology available (i.e. CI) or being assertive - there is always a barrier. It is funny that hearing people do take communication for granted.
It was my understanding that some hearing people do feel very isolated during the holidays - no matter how well they can hear or able to interact with their relatives or family members. They became emotionally isolated for many reasons, for one, families are scattered all over, and they meet again after long period of time. It is like meeting strangers all over again, talking about the past, discussing about current health issues, and so forth. It is becoming more superficial for them.
For me, I made it through many holidays without family, it helped me to become stronger and able to do things what I really want during this time.
Let us think about troops in Iraq, homeless people, orphans, elderly, and people in jails… they do feel isolated and they try to be with friends.
I think isolation is a frame of mind, and we do have our power to not let that happen to ourselves.
Smiles and happy holidays!
Love,
Amy Cohen Efron
Left by Amy Cohen Efron on December 27th, 2008
John — Some people grew up oralist, some suddenly became deaf and such. That’s a different story.
I grew up as a Deaf oralist — I learned ASL as I came to Gallaudet. Except my younger brother, I hadn’t seen my older brothers and sisters often. My younger brother was a teenager and often asked me for some dirty sign languages. Sigh … Again Today I have 18 nephews and nieces — Mostly are teenagers. One of my nieces EJ knew some ASL and many homemade signs when she was a young girl. EJ stopped as she became a teenager. She is in college now. That’s a different story too.
I agree with Amy’s point. Happy Holidays ..
Bless for our wonderful pager, VP and etc. I feel for the older generation of Deaf people — I am sure there were many deaf clubs and various events back then. Time had changed through the years.
Left by Diane on December 27th, 2008
Gosh.. this is a topic that many of us Deafs can relate to! I find as I get older it gets harder to lip read so many because the family has gotten so big. Before it was just concentrating on my Aunts and Uncles to find and follow the dominating conversalist. Now there is cousins and their kids that contribute. Worse yet they don’t follow the old pattern of dominating conversations. Instead conversations shift so fast that I miss the shifts. By the time I figure out the shifts they are onto a new topic… Sigh. I think the biggest problem is they don’t relaize how deaf I really am since I lip read so well. One day after I get my degree and a better job, I’ll go back to family get togethers. I’ll bring a hired interpreter along. Just haven’t decided whether I should make sure they know the cost I’m paying to be included.
One of my biggest pet peeves is my mother’s complaints that I never visit. Yet when I do, she is always trying to have a conversation with me while she does the dishes. Has anyone ever figured out how to lip read the back of someone’s head? Plus am I wrong to feel I took the time to come and visit and you are sending me the message you are too busy to even sit down and have a conversation with me? Geeze when she comes to my place, I put everything else on hold.
Left by Hershey on December 28th, 2008
LaRonda,
Since you were among family, surely they knew that you could not hear them; surely logic and common sense dictated to them that you were not being rude or stuck up when you couldn’t hear them. Surely they must know by now that it’s not your fault that you’re deaf and that deafness is not a lack of intelligence or lack of character or lack of social skills. Those who dismiss and ignore their family members (and anyone else) because they don’t hear as good as them (or don’t hear at all) demonstrates worse than rudeness.
But, it’s amazing how many folks lack common courtesy and common sense: they expect us to miraculously and suddenly hear just because they lack the patience or the respect to communicate with us, their family member.
Logically, if a person (family member or not) cannot hear, then they usually cannot participate in discussions; they cannot respond to questions that they didn’t hear and they can’t fully engage in conversations if others are not making any effort to meet us half way at least.
As you can see, I can relate on many levels to what you went through; but, I’ve been called names during my life by a few family members (starting very young) because I was unable to participate in some discussions due to not hearing the discussion or because I didn’t hear something someone said, etc. This also extends beyond family members; this kind of attitude towards the deaf and hard of hearing obviously still exists in many segments of society including in the classroom, etc.
But, the sad fact is, even some of our family members are among the most thoughtless and inconsiderate folks, even during a time of celebration; a time of sharing and caring; that’s ironic, huh?
I’m sorry but I think that it’s terrible how they managed to get their gifts from you but didn’t take the time to talk to you for a few minutes; heck even a brief conversation by all or most (with the effort to communicate with you properly) could have been very thoughtful and meaningful. But unfortunately, some folks don’t want to “be bothered” communicating with you but they’ll take the time to receive whatever you can offer or give them: to some of them, it seems that you’re good enough for things that they can benefit from (i.e. bearing gifts for them in your case here) but not good enough for a conversation with them.
Sorry to say but I feel it was your family who was rude, standoffish (towards you), aloof, indifferent, etc. not you. It seems to me that you did the best that you could under the circumstances; you stayed there a lot longer than necessary.
Left by Learning ASL on December 28th, 2008
As far as asserting oneself, yes, that is very important and a person’s right to do so when it comes to inclusiveness or the lack of inclusiveness.
But, make no mistake, asserting oneself does not create miracles all of the time; some people remain rude and exclude or discriminate against others. it doesn’t always guarantee that you will receive the respect that you deserve. That applies whether you are deaf or hearing.
To me, the issue is not so much on whether or not someone was assertive, the issue is common sense and common courtesy, especially among family members. Not expecting preferential treatment or favoritism; but don’t expect to be ignored either. I think that it’s others who choose not to be inclusive that’ create the the problems, not the person who can’t hear, etc.
Sometimes, I find that when some people (deaf or not) assert themselves to stand up for their right to be included, etc they are often ostracized rather than immediately included. But, that doesn’t stop me from asserting myself as I need to with family or strangers and it shouldn’t deter anyone else from standing up for themselves.
Left by Learning ASL on December 28th, 2008
Hi LaRhonda,
I went through just exactly how you felt for years with my hearing family, however they try to include me in the conversation or I was able to have one on one conversation with one of them. If it became too much, then I go play on the computer or TV and they understood. Eventually my family decided to play cards, like spoons, phase 10, then that’s the best time because we are doing something TOGETHER, laughing, playing, etc.
Since I live far, I have not been able to return home for the holidays, in a way it helps and in other ways I miss them. My niece who is 16 years old has decided she wants to become an ASL interpreter so whenever I visit them, she and I would chat away, laughing, learning new signs, etc. I feel very fortunate and blessed to be in this family. For me, I try not to let my feeling of isolation affect me because they can’t help it, they are hearing. But when I catch one’s eyes, I would say, what’s happening, etc. they would tell me.
For Christmas, we opened our home to invite other Deaf friends who don’t have family in town and hang out with us, doing potluck, playing card games, and chatting. It was a mixture of deaf and hearing people so that was nice.
My suggestion for you, find one person in your family who are more sympathatic (spelling??) and understanding to you, and let that person become your advocate during the family gathering. That’s what I did, I got my sister to advocate for me, be my voice, so she would control and say, hey hold on, let me explain to Elizabeth what’s happening, etc. Or I would say, let’s play cards, my sister would get up and say ok, let’s play cards and everyone would go to another room with the big table and play cards. That was nice.
Thanks for making this v/blog. Have a good Holidays and Happy New Year.
Left by Elizabeth on December 28th, 2008
I understand the feeling exactly!! I learned my lesson to this time, find a DEAF hubby, not HOH or hearing one!! So that he can keep me company during any hearing gatherings. My deaf friends have deaf spouses and they say it is quite helpful keeping each other company when at times feeling excluded or bored.
Except for holidays, I’ve learned to say “No” to any other hearing family gatherings because I KNOW I will be left out & bored. I’ve learned to take control of my situations whenever necessary.
Btw, didn’t your hubby keep you company from time to time or help you out, LaRonda??
Left by Nita W. on December 28th, 2008
Me lucky! My husband and my son are deaf. We visited our family yesterday.
Left by Peachlady on December 28th, 2008
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Left by Kathy on December 28th, 2008
I understood totally what you’re referring to. I have been there…the worst time when I became a teenager, no longer, a small child who could play with her cousins during the gathering time. Communication was always an issue for me for the festival events, family reunions, etc. It helps a lot to hire an interpreter, then I feel bad for my parents for shelling out their hard earned money to pay for the interpreter, so I no longer ask for one. I can not afford the cost of hiring an interpreter on my own. I try to chat with relatives on one to one basis, but it is not much, and it is filled with a lot of boredom. Reading was the only option for me. Now, with pager, it helps a lot. Things have changed over the time, and my daughter is deaf, my kids know sign language, so they usually chat with me which help to keep me occupied a bit. I like the idea of bringing a deaf friend who might be isolated to keep you company. It helps a lot to ease the isolation. At least, just bear and grin during those times, just brief times out of the year. It would be great if relatives could learn sign language. For some reason, they don’t even try to learn sign language. My cousin knows a bit of sign language, but she always want to spend time mingling with other relatives. Who can blame her for that? I would be so thrilled just to get few minutes with her. Lol. Wishing you Happy New Year!
Left by Dianne K on December 28th, 2008
I give high marks to the families that hire an interpretor for Christmas.
I am not deaf, nor have any deafness in my family -save a little hearing loss from some, not affecting communication much. A hard of hearing waiter this year…
I can only imagine that it must be a little bit like the way I feel when I go to the deaf gatherings (me on the board - why?), when I can’t understand someone’s voicing, my sign vocabulary is limited, finger spelling receptivity is terrible, and I don’t feel like making everybody write to talk to me. I tend to sit back and watch, and catch what I can.
And yet I know I want to, I have to try to communicate…will my brain ever catch on to ASL? Frustrating.
Left by Bill on December 31st, 2008
Oh yeah, and I bring my blackberry with me at all times -and play spider solitare - is there irony in that?
Left by Bill on December 31st, 2008