28 Responses to “Confessions of an Ex-Hearie ~”

Soft-hued video, graceful soft signing, honest words written, and a simple but brutal confession. Lovely. A vblog artist I see here.

Left by cnkatz on November 26th, 2007

Oh my– yes. Music. . . I asked a woman about that just last summer. She used to play violin in an orchestra. I wanted to know how a professional musician felt about her implants. She said it was just “OK” with one, but much, much better with two. She enjoys music again she said. She lost her hearing very suddenly though. I don’t know if it makes a difference if you’ve been deaf for a long time. She went deaf quickly and was implanted quickly. (sigh) I do know what you mean though. No music almost seems better than BAD music, right?

I don’t know how you lost your hearing. Mine has gone in stages. With hearing aids, some music is very, very bad. I would rather have silence.

For a long time I wondered why God gave me a gift, then took it away so I couldn’t use it. You know. . . I was really angry at God. Then like you, I learned to meditate and appreciate what I have. I understand now God doesn’t make bad things happen. It just does, then God is there for you. And when I realized that, I began to play drum.

And you make music with pictures.

I want to hear the Brandenburg Concertos again so BAD. I’m pretty sure it will be playing as I go up the tunnel to heaven. At least– that’s how I imagine it. haha!

Left by kim on November 27th, 2007

You have been able to experience the best of both worlds, with two gifts of diversity, and ultimately you have been able to make a faithful confession, what you have shared with God in secret, God will reward you openly, because of your humble revealings that you miss music, because you once heard. But you can hear His voice in your inner being, you can focus on what God is trying to tell you, and because you have the silence, you don’t only hear audibly different voices from around you into your hearing, you can hear the quiet but clear message from God that you can deliver to other people, through your life, by being in example to others, and just simply as an inspiration to others. Acceptance is coming to embrace the silence and the ear became…the heart.

Left by John Critser on November 27th, 2007

Afterthought:

Even if God has taken away the gift of hearing, God replaces with an even more unusual gift, we are his workmanship, God is never finished with us, until we die and depart into his everlasting presence. God wants to shape and mold us until we learn to accept who we are and until we continue to strive to improve ourselves. He grants us the serenity to accept circumstances of this life and to even move on into better things. Sometimes what God takes away is intended to glorify God because we discover a new world and even changes in our lives that astound other people end up with people proclaiming how wonderful and amazing God is. That is giving God the glory that was due Him. Sometimes we do not understand why this or why that, but then again, if we have understanding, we are even more blessed in that way. God has a purpose and reason for everything.

Left by John Critser on November 27th, 2007

Hi LaRonda,

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to hear music as a hearing person and I imagine that it must be hard not having this kind of access after 17 yrs. old. I love music and find ways to enjoy it through vibrations, beats, and louder volume. I have this backpack speaker that you can feel the vibrations right thru your chest. It s really an awesome toy!

Left by Barb DiGi on November 27th, 2007

LaRonda– here’s a hug for you.

I am still able to enjoy music through my hearing aids and that is one of the reasons I haven’t gone the implant route– I’m afraid to mess with my music to possibly gain other things. I have met a few people who have said that they’re able to enjoy music even more with an implant and others who say it has messed with the way they heard music with hearing aids.

Left by Karen Putz on November 27th, 2007

Great V/blog.. I like your story about Christmas and make me smiling I can see that you are very bright with smiling and intelligent .. Happy Wonderful Blessing Holidays

Left by Kim Cook on November 27th, 2007

Dear LaRonda,

Being a deaf person for 27 years does *NOT* affect your bitter life if you still miss music.

There are many friends, relatives, family around you are the most precious people in your life.

LaRonda is LaRonda. It does not matter if you are black, red, blue, white, yellow. LaRonda is LaRonda.

Grieving is a part of expression and healthy. It is good for you to do things what you want. It also is good for you to make many wonderful thoughts during the Christmas time, grab some good memories and share with your son and husband about the Christmas songs and shows. It is a good feeling.

I am deaf and I do still have participated and shared with my CODA girls and hearing husband about the christmas songs and shows.

You are not alone.

I already am one of your greatest fans in your vlog.

I wish you a very Happy Holidays!

Hugs,

White Ghost

Left by White Ghost on November 27th, 2007

With every Con there is a Pro.. Every story has two sides..

Left by human on November 27th, 2007

Thank you for sharing your deep loss ~ It’s hard for me to imagine the loss you’re dealing with. Eyes – I wear eyeglasses, and often wondered if I “really” see same as people who don’t wear eyeglasses? I have to change my lens every 2 years since I was 14 yrs old. I don’t think I see well as other people w/o eyeglasses. Lasik surgery may be good answer, but I don’t have moola.

CI has improved so much since last 20 yrs. I don’t want to sound like I’m arrogrant or judgemental – I would have it if I was hearing before. I would go for it to re-learn music with CI (Life isn’t perfect).
Technology is here – it’s up to us to embrace or reject. There are many technology I have not embraced yet i.e., Tivo, Lasik surgery, PDA, and many more.

Music was your life, your love, and your world. You can have it back with CI even if it’s not exactly same as you were hearing.

At the Church, I seldom enjoy the music because I never heard it, never understood why some lyrics repeats, and never experienced it touching in my soul. However, I did have a truly RARE experience that I actually felt Music in my heart that brought tears out. A CODA who sang the song – the House in the Heaven is big, big big – the room is being built for you. That song has striked my heart! I kept on thinking of that song over and over. I had begged the CODA to sing it again. It was a “PAH” momment for me to understand why hearing people are so crazy about music – everywhere I go, I always see people with earbuds in their ears, listening to musis.. Singing in their cars.. I do feel envious for their joy in this music world. Being honest, I sometimes wish I could hear just to appreciate the music. Music is everywhere in the world – Everyone enjoys music. VBS in the summertime, I find myself enoying the children’s song through the interpreter. My daugher who’s HH always have a blast time only because she can hear the music while my boys are a bit bored just because they’re profoundly deaf.

If you truly want to have music back in your life, go for CI. Hey, you can be an awesome singer interpreting for us, the deaf.

Surgery itself is always scary!! I had 7 surgeries and all went fine. I’m blessed having those surgeries to enhance my health. There are thousands of people who had CI surgeries, and the majority came out fine. It’s NOT in the brain itself.. I’m sure you know that.

Sometimes, we cannot ever get things back EXACTLY same as we used to have before (like my youth weight, my eyes before age 14, my enegry before 40′s, and so forth). We just deal with the changes best as we can. Forgive me if I’m babbling – I just want to share my thoughts .. If I were you, I would go for CI and will always be DEAF. Deafhood is your life – CI is for the music. Thanks for sharing.. Hugs

Left by Kim on November 27th, 2007

my eyes are tearing

don’t know what to say but your confession is very beautiful and blessing. very touching.

Left by Deb Ann on November 27th, 2007

I am deaf myself… I cant hear music unless i am wearing my hearing aids. i enjoy music but cannot hear the words in the music so i mostly listen to the beats and the noise.. I enjoy being deaf myself… u know, even u can’t hear the music, u can always have a radio or if ur near a speaker, u can touch the speaker and feel the viberation and imgaine hearing it. i do that when i can’t hear the music…

Left by Rita on November 27th, 2007

I want to comment about “hearing music.” Even though we are Deaf or become late-deafened, it does not necessarily mean that music can’t be a part of our lives. Sometimes God tests us. God wants us to feel his music. When we worship God, are we affected by everything visual around us, being distracted away from focusing on God, or are we blocking everything and totally focused on God and the worship music at hand? When we attend a hearing church with awesome worship music, we can follow the CC captions on the screen and sing the song, sit close to the speakers and feel the beat. It takes concentration and focus and total dependence on God. We as Deaf people are so visual, we tend to wander and look around and in visual reception, we become distracted easily. Sometimes tuning in into music as a Deaf person takes a lot of focus and purpose in worship. Maybe God’s lesson in our lives as Deaf people is to learn to tune in into the presence of God, to be in total harmony with the Spirit of God and allow God to reveal to you what music is, how to identify with it and to feel the beat, to follow the song, and to worship God with music. We can learn to play with a musical instrument. That does not make us hearies. We are still Deaf of Deaf or Deaf of Hearing, but our spirits are just sharper in our senses in regards to hearing God’s inner voice and in the capability to tune in into music. God gives us that gift, if we let Him.

Left by John Critser on November 27th, 2007

I’m HOH and love music. I think that if I ever go deaf completely, that would probably be the only thing I will miss. It’s a gift to have heard and lost than never to have experience it in the first place. For those that never heard, they have not really missed it because they’ve never experienced it.

I too have always wondered how much difference CI is with normal hearing. I wish someone would write a blog about it in a much much more detailed way.

Left by C on November 27th, 2007

Hello LaRonda,

I have a hearing husband and 2 hearing children. Music is their life. They all love to listen to music. My daughter and her friends would sing their hearts out in the van while I am driving. I do wear hearing aids. I can hear them singing. I know they feel happy when they sing. I can feel their happiness by hearing them. You know what I mean?

I currently am wearing 2 digital hearing aids. I dont like them very much. I miss my analogy hearing aids but they are not working anymore after wearing them for 15 plus years. Analogy and Digital hearing aids dont sound the same. I was told by my friend who is wearing CI hearing aid. She said she doesnt like CI because it sounds too motor. I am not sure what she mean but I think I vaguely understand what she is trying to explain.

But for you, you once were hearing and lost it. I dont blame you for still feeling grief. It is perfectly normal. I can feel your grief. My hug to you, LaRonda.

I have my own grief. I always feel sad that I dont have the grammars that match up like hearing people. I have the “deaf” grammars. I guess everybody has their own grief. Ha. I am trying to make you feel better. Winks.

Peace!

Left by Awwww on November 27th, 2007

I’ve been talking to some deaf people using cochlear implants. They mentioned how grateful they feel about being able to enjoy listening to the music again. I need to ask them about the quality of the music being different or not as they didn’t mention about the music not sounding as good as it used to ..

I do understand what you mean about silence being golden. That’s how I feel, too.

Left by Mishkazena on November 27th, 2007

Thanks for your comments, dear ones. You each touch my heart.

~ L

Left by LaRonda on November 27th, 2007

LaRonda!!! ((((Hugs))))

What can I say? This is VERY strong, and you really expressed your grief. WOW! Thanks for sharing!!
I don’t think you have to “let it go” you can still feel the music, feel the vibrations, if you put your heart into it you can feel it again.
I know – truly – your feelings of & for music.
You can still “see” music from others to give to you, your husband’s signing songs for you – You can see it thru your heart and love. Your son’s music thru his love will be in you….Music for you lives forever.

Left by B.A.D. on November 27th, 2007

I admired your show as you show very honestly and appericate about your speak of GOD anyway I undy how did you feel to disappoint to lose hearing as it is common! But I am glad that you had an experience of Hearing. You still think of Music rest of the life! Smile

Left by Gunsbut on November 27th, 2007

Kim …..Nov 27th ……. Ci is not for music no!

Hi LaRonda.

Keep your heart and mind (brain) connection to make music inside the Spirituallty very powerful in Ffffffoooorrrrrrreeeeeevvvvveeeerrrr!

Davy

Left by Davy on November 27th, 2007

{{LaRonda}}

I can “understand” what you are saying.

Music has always been part of my life and still is, even though it was/is not the same as yours.

It got even better with CI…but wait. It’s because I was born deaf. So I do not have “past” sounds to compare with. Still, it’s not perfect for me because I hear the words through captioning or interpreters. For some strange reason, the voices “drown” unless I see the words. No two people with CIs hear music the same way. Even two hearing people do not hear the same way with music. *wink*

Anyway, your late-deafened friends with CIs were right because that’s what I got from them as well. They say it’s not the same and they had to learn to appreciate music in a different way. They could not explain to me how different it was. Just that something was missing. When I finally found one person who could describe it, but it was not something I understood. Perhaps you could.

She said, “CI lacks the depth of music”. That was the best she could describe when listening to music with her CI. She could not listen to some of her favorites in the past, but new kinds of music. And for those favorites she could not let go of, she learned to listen differently with them. She does miss it very much, like you do.

I’m sure you have heard this before so… *smile*

It’s a process you are going through and it will be something you would always miss, even if you decided to get CI. You would still miss the old music anyway.

CI would not change who you are. It didn’t change who I am. Heck, there are still times I would listen to music without my CI on. True Biz! But I’m different though. I’m an outcast and a weird bird in both worlds. *wink*

Thanks for sharing, LaRonda, with us! {{hugs}}

Left by IamMine on November 28th, 2007

LaRonda, your vlog was beautifully executed. Growing up hearing, contributing to people’s joy through song, then later becoming deaf and finding other ways to contribute to the community…wow. I was deeply moved. Thanks for sharing, the inspiration you bring is a BRILLIANT light.

hugs,

Brian

Left by Brian Berlinski on November 28th, 2007

LaRonda,

Thanks for bravely sharing your feelings about the loss of sounds that are precious to you: music. I think you expressed some things that many are afraid to share with others because some people (Deaf and Hearing) mistakenly think that people like yourself are in denial of your hearing loss or rejecting the Deaf. You poignantly and eloquently expressed that you accept your loss of hearing and being deaf while you miss precious sounds that you once heard.

You might not realize it but there are times that I think you create music: I think your poems are compositions. You still sing songs via your hands, exposing the beauty of sign language. You might have to create your own music; you have to do it differently and hear it differently now but you probably share it with many more people than ever before. As a result, more people are exposed to your talents now.

You also have to sing differently than you did before. You said that you used to sing like an Angel. Well, you might not sing anymore as you once did, but I feel like I “hear” you “sing” when I read some of your blogs, look at some of the colorful pictures you post and watch some of your ASL videos (even though I don’t know all of the signs yet). I think that some of your poetry and ASL are your compositions; the videos and photographs that you add to it are your musical accompaniment. They help us to see and “hear” your musical notes.

Sometimes (on this blog) you “sing” cappella (without music); other times, you “sing” to us “with music”. In any case, your “singing” is usually instrumental; sometimes, it’s musical.

I know; it’s NOT the same as hearing the music of your past and singing the songs before your deafness, but it is music nonetheless. I hope you can “hear” it too. Now, you “sing” loudly and clearly for us “hear” you (hear, as in to feel, see, think, etc). You often “sing” sweetly for us (because you inspire us, etc). Your poetic words rise from the pages as lyrics and your hands/ASL float and flutter in the air to sing the descriptive songs of your composition.

Together, they aim directly at our ears and wander to our brains to make us think about some things. Whether we are hard of hearing, deaf/Deaf or Hearing, many of us “hear” you musically, so we “dance” in response via our replies and posts on your blog. You give us the opportunity to share our experiences as well, so we play your music, “listen to your songs” and then we “dance” together here on your “The Ear of My Heart” blog.

Along with your pen, you “tell us with your hands”; you stimulate our “mind’s eyesight” with your colorful photos to marvel at; you challenge us to think with some of your videos; you often inspire us as we read your poetry and learn of your experiences. The colorful pictures and informative videos that you use to complete your musical compositions are musical notes which you carefully selected or made to match your words. The visuals awaken our senses and remind us of the beauty in some things that we don’t see clearly and forget to look at daily. That often shows us that beauty is not only in sound and that if we can’t hear, we can also experience the many things that inspire songs and music.

I imagine that it’s very difficult for you since music as you once knew it, loved it and cherished it, is keenly absent in your life now but I think that many of your readers will agree with me when I say that you produce your own brand of music now and you’re still singing songs. I bet that your words and how you articulate yourself to the world now delivers a stronger message than your angelic voice once did.

Since music was such a great part of your life, it would be outrageous for anyone to expect you to pretend that you never heard any music or sang any songs before your deafness. That would be unfairly expecting you to deny a significant part of yourself even if it is in the past. I think almost anyone could understand (or at least try to understand) why you miss music as you do. You cannot help that you used to hear music; you can’t help that you were blessed with an angelic voice that you can no longer hear.

I miss music too; despite being oral, I can’t sing to save my life (lol! trust me, even I know that I sound bad!) I always wanted to sing and I still wish that I could but that doesn’t mean that I don’t accept my deafness or the fact that I can’t sing. I accepted both things long ago.

I think that you’re allowed to keep the memories of what you used to hear; you can’t pretend you never heard music or sound before, just as many hard of hearing/deaf people can’t ignore the few sounds that they continue to hear. Just like you shouldn’t be afraid to admit that you miss music, they (hoh/deaf) shouldn’t be afraid to admit if/when they want to hear better (it doesn’t mean that they all are denying their deafness.)

Don’t forget: you now possess wisdom that you didn’t have back then (with or without hearing). Maybe your music is more powerful now than it was before. Maybe your “singing voice” is more potent and more angelic than the singing voice you once had. I hope you can “hear” that.

Left by Learning ASL on November 28th, 2007

Your vlog of confession was expressed beautifully, from the depth of your heart. I’m glad you shared this with us! It’s like you lost a very dear loved one, your hearing “passed away”…you still cherish it and I can sense how grateful you feel that you had experienced being hearing for a time (17 years). Why God allowed us to lose hearing or sight or loved ones, we will never understand fully, it’s something we learn to accept. It’s much easier for us Deaf people who were born deaf and not have experienced being hearing to accept our silence as being golden.
Here’s my BIG hugs for you as I can somewhat understand what you’re feeling…the pain is still there in your heart…missing music and singing songs from your heart, blessing people’s heart when they heard you sang. You still bless our hearts with your wholehearted v/blogs, sharing with us with your stories, pictures, humors and so forth.
I honestly agree that it won’t be the same experience if you have CI, as I believe it’ll be a crushing disappointment…because it just won’t be the same.
But hey, you can sing to us, we don’t really care how you sound, cuz we don’t know the difference about the pitch anyways, smiles! I’d love to sing along with you as I used to sing a lot with some friends and I miss that.
God bless you LaRonda for your honesty and integrity of heart. Big hugs ((((((LaRonda))))))

Left by DeafWoman on November 28th, 2007

For Iammine…FYI, you are not “a weird bird”, just an unique kind of person in every sense of the word as we are all unique and special…none of us are the same, we are like the fingerprint or DNA, everyone is different…every snow flake is different but beautifully made, so are we!! You’re unique as is LaRonda!!
We will always be amazed about this person or that person for their ways, thoughts, or feelings…and still enjoy one another. I’ve enjoyed and miss seeing your vlogs. Come back and vlog again!

Left by DeafWoman on November 28th, 2007

Hi LaRonda!

Ah.. finally here I am relaxing in Tri-Cities so that gives me more time to catch up with a lot of things.

Ha.. I must say this, I remember when I was little and at nights, I usually ran to my mom’s room to wake her up saying mommy, mommy! I saw santa claus with reindeer along with leading one with red flashing! Now that I looked back, OMG why would I said these things even tho I saw one for real?! LOL

Aw, I’m sorry that it is hard for you to deal with. I can’t imagine that because I was never there to understand what music is like. But I can understand how big change that you had to deal with by giving up music.

As for CI, I find it funny because it is so true that most people would say Oh yes, I can hear so wonderful and such. So, we actually have to convince them to be honest and most of them came out saying only thing they can’t really understand is lyrics and also like you said not the same how they heard before for anyone who became Deaf at later age.

This is beautiful confession, no question about it. I’ve been Deaf all my life so I don’t understand why people love music but now I think I do understand after watching your video. It’s all about inspiration just like sports to me everyday when I watch games, read papers, follow their stats, etc. So I guess it’s the same but in different way.

You have beautiful heart! We are so fortunate to have you in our Deaf community.

Hugs!
-SG

Left by Seek Geo on November 29th, 2007

Hi LaRonda,
I have just finished reading the first few chapters of the book on your early life so I truly appreciate the pain you must feel at the total loss of music. Like you, I am a spiritual person– not so religious– just spiritual. We don’t know why bad things happen to the sweetest people, or why the worst people seem to live wonderful lives. Wouldn’t it be mean for God to test us in this way? I don’t believe God tests us, but He’s there to guide us and help us when the going gets rough. What I do know is I’m glad I found your site because you are an inspiration to me. You are a lovely angel on earth. I feel deeply moved by your story and your spirit. I thank you for writing this book. I hope you publish. If you need to get in touch with other writers, I know of one who has published who might be able to put you in touch with a publisher— if you need that kind of help. This is good writing. I like that your family wasns’t squeaky clean. The humanity in your characters really shows through. I loved the story about Grammie Lee and her dentures. She reminds me of my Grandma, though she didn’t wear dentures. She used to “shoot” people with her farts. First, she’d say “stick ‘em up”–then she’d shoot. hahaha! My mother was so proper, to have a grandma do this was hilarious. I read a lot of books. So far, I am loving yours.

Left by kim on December 1st, 2007

Hi LaRonda, Wow, Beautiful ASL. Thanks for comments on my web site, and I’m feel welcome after you posted on mine. Smile. I will check your website often time, and looking forward your other vlog. Yes, I notice the one of my vlog got wiggle, and I will make sure to get my camera to set more of stable. Thanks for advice, LaRonda. Coach Creech

Left by CoachCreech on December 2nd, 2007

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