(Ch. 53 of my storyblog of my journey into Deafhood…)
In late August, as the dog days of summer waned and the dandelions roots grew fat, it came time for Brent to return to his college up in the Pacific Northwest. Sadly, even though our families’ homes were only 5 miles apart, we both lived and attended colleges in separate states. Brent was a sophomore at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, and I was then a sophomore at Fresno City College in California. We would soon begin a long distance relationship that spanned 3 ½ years.
If you have ever been in a long-distance relationship, you know the yearning and heartbreak of not being able to hold the one you love. Those first months apart felt like death to me. Thoughts of my beloved filled my every waking hour. His absence was profound, for now I found myself without a social life.
Spending each day that last summer month with Brent, I had forgotten what is was to feel isolated from the rest of the hearing world. Back at school, I was acutely aware, that once again, I was unable to join in the college social scene because of my hearing loss. The individual daily attention I had received from Brent that summer was sorely missed.
Many long-distance lovers deal with their separation by spending a fortune on phone calls just to hear each other’s voice. However, phone calls were very difficult for us because of my deafness. Even with the volume control turned up full blast on the telephone handset, I could only hear Brent’s words as guttural, monosyllabic grunts. Since Brent did not have his own TTY, we corresponded mostly by mail. This was before we knew anything about telephone relay services, and before the advent of e-mail, text pagers, web cams or video phones.
However, before we resigned ourselves to postal mail, we did experiment with phone calls in those early months. Though most of what I heard was a mumbled blur, at least Brent could hear my voice, as I did most of the talking. The one thing I was sure I could differentiate was Brent’s laugh.
I discovered that “How are you” and “I love you,” sounded exactly the same to me. Because of this, we invented a kind of alphabet code where Brent would go through the letters of the alphabet and stop on the letter which would begin to spell out a word that he wanted to clarify. I could hear the rhythmic grunts and could follow along with him.
Brent would begin saying the alphabet. “A..B..C..D..E..F..G..H..” while I counted along with him. When his voice stopped, I would assume he wanted me to understand that letter was the beginning of the word he wanted to say.
“H,” I would ask? “You want to know how I am?” Brent would respond with 3 sounds as he spelled out “Y-E-S.”
Naturally, that took forever, but I loved that Brent was willing to try anything to communicate with me, in spite of how frustrating it was for us both. Eventually, we concluded that it was nearly impossible for us to have a two-way conversation on the phone. It wasn’t long before we abandoned the use of the phone all together in favor of ink and page.
I remember having dreams about blowing up the phone company in those early months. It was so unfair that a deaf person could not have equal access to simple phone conversations. I learned that before TTY’s were made, many deaf people had to drive to their friends houses just to see if they were home, whereas a hearing person could simply call to check before they left. Today, assistive listening devices and communication technology has made the lives of deaf individuals so much better. Yet back then, I missed the convenience of picking up the phone at any moment just to say hello.
Fortunately, we both really loved to write. In this way, we could take time to ponder our thoughts, creatively choose our words, and be certain we were both understood. Brent and I wrote tirelessly and endlessly. We awaited each letter with great anticipation. I began to ask for stationery and stamps for birthday and Christmas gifts. Writing love letters was our escape during mountains of college reports, midterms, and final exams. Our love letters were something we could tangibly hold onto across the miles. We could re-visit the letters at any time and read the words over and over to our heart’s content.
We wrote of the challenges of our college studies, of the life-changing attitudes we experienced as we both carved out our identities, and delicious descriptions of the fantasies and dreams of young lovers. We carefully selected soft perfume or cologne to spray onto our envelopes before we sent them in the mail. We wrote secret intimacies under the flaps of our envelopes, and sent each other care packages filled with sweet nothings.
Like a treasure chest filled with gold, almost every love letter we have ever written to one another lies piled in a box, sealed with mailing tape, and stored in the top of our closet. We used to laugh and wonder if we were the primary supporters of the postal service. At the very least, we probably helped contribute to some mail carrier’s retirement fund.
Time and distance did not keep us apart.
and we were determined
that it should endure.”
~ Sheldon Vanauken
A Severe Mercy
When Brent returned home at the end of the Fall semester for his Winter break, we made plans to get together immediately. We were beside ourselves with anticipation! Through our letters, we had learned a great deal more about each other and our connection and mutual admiration had grown deeper. Yet, it was our arms that longed to embrace and our lips that waited eagerly for that first kiss. When it came, it was nothing less than wonderful!
We saved December 23rd to ourselves so that we could exchange gifts privately and spend time alone together outside of our traditional holiday family gatherings. Little did I know the surprise Brent had for me up his sleeve. It took me a minute to recognize.
“Merry Christmas, L-a-R-o-n-d-a,” Brent said using sign language and finger-spelling. “I love you.”
“Merry Christmas to you too,” I signed in return, and then it hit me! “Brent! You’re signing! How wonderful!”
In his best ASL, Brent continued to explain how over the last semester, he had secretly taken an American Sign Language class to be able to communicate better with me. He had kept it secret as a part of his special Christmas gift to be presented to me upon his return. I was overjoyed! I bounced around the house announcing Brent’s new skill to my family, which won him points, especially with Mama. Brent’s acceptance of my hearing loss and total commitment toward communication with me was clearly evident with this special gift.
(Footnote: You have been reading the “chick-flick” chapters in my summer storyblog entitled: My Journey Into Deafhood, which tells of the first recognition of my deafness and waking up to a world of silence. It also tells of how I grieved, coped, adapted and then thrived as I learned to embrace my Deaf self. Thank you for reading! The final installment will show on August 8th, 2007. More coming soon…)
Wow! Again, how exciting…..Best Christmas gift Brent had for you.
More please!
Left by Lisa C. on August 3rd, 2007
Yes, my husband and I had been in a looooong-distance relationship before we were married. We both cried at the Texas airport before I flew back to Washington state. Yes, I know the yearning and heartbreak of not being able to hold the one I love and it was so hard on both of us. The happiest moment was when he moved back to Washington state to be with me a few years before we decided to move to Texas.
Left by Lisa C. on August 3rd, 2007
You use the term, “Deafhood.” Do you realize that that term is being used today among certain deaf activists to try to transfer the concept from Britain (where it originated) to the USA? I am just saying that some who read your blog may misunderstand what you are referring to in your “journey.”
You use that term to mean you have become deaf and are now experiencing life as a deaf person. Is that it?
Just curious!
Left by Left Coaster on August 3rd, 2007
Hi LaRonda,
I was going through withdrawal this morning. I was hoping to find your stories when I pulled up your website but didnt find anything. My heart sank. I waited for a while because I had to remember that you are in west coast and I am back here in east coast. I kept on clicking to see if you posted. Finally, you posted. I got very excited.
LaRonda, All I have to say is that I think your being deaf is meant to be because you met your husband, Brent. Brent, bless his heart. He seems like an amazing person.
Keep on posting your stories. I dont know what I will do when you stop posting your stories on the 8th. I probably will go into deep depression. HA!
Winks!
Left by Curious on August 3rd, 2007
Left Coaster,
Your comment is interesting to me. Are you saying I am not deaf enough to use the word “Deafhood” to describe my journey and transition of having become deaf?
If you are just now joining my storyblog, you may arrive at some conclusions that are different than others or my own. No offense to you or others, but in my opinion, every deaf person is on their own unique journey into Deafhood. Whether they are born deaf, or have become deaf suddenly, or are going deaf over time, each person embarks on their own “hero’s journey” into Deafhood.
Much of my story here in this storyblog is really about the first 5 or 6 years of adjusting to being deaf. The last part of my story, which will appear in the next week, focuses more heavily on how I learned to embrace my deaf self and my deaf identity.
This story is about my own unique journey of understanding what it means to be deaf. I call this my journey into Deafhood. My journey is about becoming the best deaf person I can be.
Genie Gertz, faculty member in Deaf Studies at California State University, Northridge with a specialty in Cultural Studies sums it up nicely:
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on August 3rd, 2007
Lovely story. Did you commence writing your autobiography this
year? Reason for asking is that I did not know a new term,
“Deafhood,” until I saw Ridor (Ricky Taylor) mention “Deafhood”
in GallyNet-L in the early summer of 2006. Then I have, thereafter, begun to see the term on various blogs and listservs.
Hope your manuscript will eventually be published by, say,
Gallaudet Press.
Left by Jean Boutcher on August 3rd, 2007
Hi Jean.
I began writing my story on 9/11/01. That fateful day when the twin towers came down. You’ll see a post about that next week.
As for the term Deafhood, I have altered that word throughout my story over the last year. I had the word ‘deafness’ written throughout my story. I decided to change it when I watched and read more about what Genie Gertz had to say about the difference between the words deafness and deafhood. Deafness is viewed from a medical perspective whereas deafhood is viewed more from a personal or cultural perspective.
I have kept both words in my story on purpose because there were times when I was focusing on the medical aspect of deafness and other times when I focus on the personal journey and identity of deafhood.
I find myself still writing!!! My story keeps on going. New parts have been added over the last year alone since I’ve been a member of DeafRead. I will be finished one day soon. My manuscript needs a little editing and then I will be sending it off. I will be visiting Dawn Sign Press in San Diego next week while vacationing there. I will look into Gallaudet Press. I’ve never published a book before, but I’ve been writing articles and stories for newsletters, internet, and blogs for years. Hopefully this will get out and published soon.
Thanks.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on August 3rd, 2007
LaRonda,
I truly appreciate that you share your experience from chapter 1 on. I normally don’t read this type of stories but yours is exceptional.
Thank you!
Judge
Left by Judge on August 3rd, 2007
Thanks Judge. I’m glad you’ve been following. Keep leaving comments. I like what you have to say.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on August 3rd, 2007
Ditto to Curious’s comment!!! I woke up and went to my computer pronto.. eager to read your next 3 chapters. Nope, it’s not here - Yes, I was disappointed. Now, PAH! I read your marvelous chapters!!! AWWWWW Brent is so perfect for you!!
Please do let me know when your book is published - It’s a must book on my “Deaf” bookcase! I collect books on Deafhood, Deafness, Deaf Education, and books written by Deaf. Thanks!!!
Left by Kim on August 3rd, 2007
Can’t wait for the book to be published and … autographed.
Someday I will find someone out there. Umm where is the cupid?!
Look forward to your next 3 blogs or chapters tmw.
Glad you are a member of the Deafread.com
Left by Diane on August 3rd, 2007
I was gonna comment about your stories, but seeing that there was a matter of opinion for the term “Deafhood”, I’ll redirect and start there. LaRonda, I applaud you for your response about the Deafhood and actually being mature about it even though-as I read it-it felt like Coaster was picking a fight. I am in agreement with you and loved how you included a quote from GG (a person I’m blessed to have met at Gally). Secondly, it’s interesting to me that the term “Deafhood” was originally from Britain (I’m assuming Curious is referring to Paddy Ladd’s outstanding research novel?) and that the term should ONLY be rightfully used in that country…am I understanding you correctly Curious?
As for this blog: I am currently going through an LD relationship (and honestly, that’s how it’s been like since my girlfriend and I started) and it is a very tough thing to do. But thankfully to Sidekick, iChat/Sorenson functions, it’s actually much easier. The irony is that without the technology that you experienced, LaRonda, it was more romantic on your tales than what I would’ve typed up. My girlfriend HAD been pushing me to write letters to her, but I just end up sending them via email…snail mail isn’t quick enough for my blood nowadays. 0:)
Left by Josh on August 3rd, 2007
I remembered doing the alphabet thing on the phone with my sister…she was more HOH than I and it was hilarious…thank God, we have better technology now.
I admire hearing guys who’d learn to sign for their g/f or wife, it’s the best gift ever!
Do you have pictures of both of you together during the initial dating stage? would love to see the younger version of you both.
Left by C on August 5th, 2007