(Ch. 44 of my story of my journey into Deafhood…)
One afternoon, about 6 months after I had lost my hearing, a former choir classmate called me on the phone. Her name was Rachel, and I admired her greatly. She was an extremely talented musician and songwriter. She could play piano, pen tunes, and sing like nobody’s business!
By that time, I had exchanged our regular phone receiver for one with an amplifier on the handset to adjust the volume, but I still couldn’t hear well over the phone. I couldn’t wear my in-the-ear hearing aids while using the phone either because they would whistle with feedback when the receiver covered them. I had to take one of my hearing aids out and try using the phone amplifier at the highest volume, but speech was still too distorted for me to understand clearly without seeing the speaker’s lips. So Mama often got recruited to pick up the other phone from her room and bring it around to the one in the kitchen so she could orally interpret what the caller was saying.
I was surprised and happy to hear from Rachel. It had been several years since we had really connected. She had moved to another school across town during her sophomore year. None of my other choir friends had called me since I had lost my hearing, so this was a surprise. As I strained to listen, unable to make out her distorted words, I watched my mother’s face drop in sorrow as she listened. I thought maybe Rachel had a terrible accident or was calling to tell me someone we knew had died.
Mama swallowed hard. Curbing her own desire to jump into the conversation and respecting her role as an oral interpreter, Mama explained that Rachel was asking if I would do the honor of singing at her wedding.
This was a huge honor indeed! No one had ever asked me to sing at a wedding before. And, my musically talented idol and friend had picked me above all others to be the troubadour at her very special event!
But what could I say???… I stood there and trembled. Just when I thought I was beginning to learn how to cope with my hearing loss, my heart was breaking once again, rendering me vulnerable to the anguish and grief I would experience over and over in those early years of adjustment.
My mother did not answer for me, but her facial expression and body language let me know she was there at the ready if I needed her. I took a big breath and tried ineffectively to hide the crack in my voice as I explained to Rachel that I could no longer hear to sing.
Rachel stammered a bit and let out a stress laugh. Then she innocently responded that she had heard I had been sick and had lost some hearing some months ago, but she had heard I had recovered. She had assumed that my hearing had returned as well.
While fighting my own tears, Mama struggled to hold back her own as well. “Rachel, it’s such an honor that you thought of me. If I could hear, I would do it in a heartbeat!” I reassured her. “I’m so sorry though,” I apologized, trying not to give away how sorry I felt for myself.
Rachel gracefully handled the situation by asking me for my address in any case since she would love to have me attend her wedding. She explained that she had a back up plan if I was unable or not available to sing. She and her husband-to-be were thinking of taping their own voices and playing it on a sound system at their special event. It was a lovely idea and this broke the tension momentarily, but Mama had to finish the call when Rachel began asking her questions about my illness and subsequent hearing loss. As much as I tried, I could no longer hold back the tears. I whispered to Mama to give Rachel the address and then I flew to my room. My grief over the loss of music, and once again, the loss of my musical identity, had reached a low point.
Mama soon followed and sat on the side of my water bed while I wailed about the injustice of this infirmity. The floodgates opened.
“WHY, MAMA?!” I cried. “WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID HEARING LOSS?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!… WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR?!…. I CAN’T SING IF I CAN’T HEAR!!…. IT’S LIKE I’VE LOST 2 PARTS OF ME AT THE SAME TIME - MY ABILITY TO HEAR AND MY ABILITY TO SING!! …. WHY, MAMA?! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?! …WHY MEEEE?! …WHYYYY?!” I sobbed in protest.
As usual, with her remarkable, infinite wisdom, Mama gently stroked my hair and replied, “I know, Love…. I know. It isn’t fair, and if I could take this from you, I would.” Mama paused to help me wipe the tears from my eyes so I could read her lips. “Honey, there is a reason,” she continued. “There is a purpose for your hearing loss. We may not see it yet, but I know God has a plan for you, Dear One. I know….”
I wanted to balk at Mama and dispute her words. Yet, as I looked deeply at her, I sensed a powerful force speaking through her, a kind of grace that was foretelling of a significant transformation in my life. I wanted to believe Mama. I needed to know that my life was still important and special. The idea that there might be some higher, sacred purpose for my hearing loss moved me deeply.
Mama stayed with me as I wrestled with my demons. Steadfast, she listened to me as I cast the torment from my heart. She was the anchor that stayed me while I rocked with the stormy waves of my own rage on my water bed. She was my lighthouse, my buoy and bell, steering me clear and away from the jagged rocks.
And I saw God’s light in her face….
…and I remembered from whence I came.
mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom,
let it be.
And in my darkest hour,
she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom,
let it be.”
~ The Beatles
(Footnote: You have been reading the chapters in my summer storyblog entitled: My Journey Into Deafhood, which tells of the first recognition of my deafness and waking up to a world of silence. It also tells of how I grieved, coped, adapted and then thrived as I learned to embrace my Deaf self. Thank you for reading! The final installment will show on August 8th, 2007. More coming soon…)
Dang !! Keep on going! Oh darn I am so CURIOUS!!! Did you go ahead sing at Rachel’s wedding??? Wow, I didn’t realize how much you feel so grieve!!! I am so proud that Rachel did picked you to sing at her wedding but I didn’t know that you feel so lost from music!!!
Left by ASL Risen on July 31st, 2007
I’ve got a couple of chapters to catch up on– love that Beatles song! I played that during my son’s homebirth.
Left by Karen Putz on July 31st, 2007
LaRonda,
Best wishes for that era in life! Since I’ve been reading your stories I feel like I personally know you now…and in so doing, I had an impulse to imagine me holding onto you at that time of life. But of course you & I are strangers which, in reality, would be very awkward!
But my heart goes out to you.
Left by Josh on July 31st, 2007
Heart-wrenching.
“And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light,
that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be.”
Left by drmzz on July 31st, 2007
Hi LaRhonda,
The tears were rolling down my cheeks while I was reading your story. Then all of sudden, my daughter came and tapped on my shoulder. I slowly turned my head to her because I didnt want her to see me looked all teary. HA! She looked surprised and said mom , what s wrong? I told her what I was reading.
Oh LaRhonda, No one will ever know what you were going through especially during your teenage year. It was tough and rough. I feel you. That s why I was crying while I read to you.
I am gonna send this to two of my hearing friends so they can read your journey into deafhood.
Left by Curious on July 31st, 2007
LaRonda,
I got ? to ask. I copied and pasted your address, http://www.earofmyheart.com/wordpress then sent to my friends via email but I realized that they will have to scroll down to find the beginning of your story, “My journey into Deafhood.” would be too hard for them to find. Any suggestion to make it easier for them to find the first chapter instead of finding chapter 44 right in front of them when they pull your address up.
Thank you!
Left by Curious on July 31st, 2007
LaRonda,
I can not tell you how touched I am by your latest chapters. Remembering as I read, things I had forgotten. How it was for you. As I have said I am so proud of you to have come through the ordeal to become such a wonderful daughter, women, wife and mother, sister, survivor.
I love you.
Mom
Left by Vanaye on July 31st, 2007
Hi LaRonda,
I was moved by your story of hearing loss. I also wear hearing aids and they help a lot but in noise conversation it is a struggle. My loss is steadily getting worse. My wife handles it by making jokes to other people about it in front of me. That hurts me but I just let it go. …. [A lot of] people do not know what it is like to suffer a hearing loss. [I am] comforted by the fact that there are a LOT of us out there all suffering the same fate. …
Keep praying to Our Lady, she will help you. God bless.
Left by John on July 31st, 2007
John,
Thank you for sharing your comments. I’ve posted some of them above. It’s good to know other people with hearing loss are reading my blog. I appreciate your sensitivity toward jokes. They can sometimes be rough . You have learned how to let it go. A coping skill.
I wanted to also share that my stories happened many, many years ago. What you have been reading are the stories of my grief during those early years of adjustment. I no longer use hearing aids, I now use sign language and I still lip-read. There will be more stories ahead about the coping skills, adjustment and embracing of my deafness which occurred 26 years ago.
Keep reading and follow the chapter numbers. Keep your comments coming…
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on July 31st, 2007
LaRonda,
Your story has been utterly fascinating to read and the emotions tied up in it, has had me in its grip as well. You are a gifted writer - and just perhaps.. just perhaps this is the path you were meant to take in the wake of your illness and becoming deaf. Had this not happened, would you have been focused on writing? (among other things, of course)
One thing that was so interesting to read was the description of the difference between wearing a hearing aid and natural (normal) hearing as I have never had any conception of that at all (born deaf here). I remember once at Gallaudet I met a young woman who had been hearing the first 11 years of her life, gradually making the transition to hard of hearing and finally, profoundly deaf. I asked her once to describe the difference between the transitions and she said ” When I became HOH, and wore a hearing aid, the sounds were less varied in their tones and ranges becoming more fuzzy as time went on. When my hearing got worse, the sounds became more and more garbled and twice as fuzzy. In the long run, she ended up ceasing use of them. While she was fluent in ASL, her manner of usage made it easy to tell that it was not her first social language exposure. You and she have a lot of similiarities. (smile)
Please keep up with your narration, LaRonda. I can feel your spirit within your words. It brings to mind of a a pair of bare feet slowly walking over wet sand, in a indefinite pattern as if exploring.
RFW
Left by RFW on July 31st, 2007
ASL Risen,
Yes, I did go to my friend’s wedding. I held back the tears and tried to enjoy myself, but secretly, I grieved that it was not my voice that was being shared in song at that event.
Grief is a very profound feeling in hearing people who become deaf. The loss of music is often the greatest loss. But I need to be clear, my grief began to lessen once I started learning ASL. i found a different way to keep in contact with the world. I made new friends and began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a chapter like that coming up soon.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on July 31st, 2007
Karen,
When my son was born, I didn’t have music to listen to so as a distraction, I followed the rhythm of the large second hand on the clock at the foot of my bed as it ticked away. it was my meditative focus and helped me with my breathing. Ha. I wonder what other deaf mom’s do during birth to keep themselves focused……
I love that song “Let It Be.” Have you seen Mike Schmidt’s signed rendition of that song? Go here: http://www.deafvideo.tv/watch/1581
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on July 31st, 2007
Josh,
Your comment touched me deeply. I just sat for a while with your words… They were a gift. ~ Thank you.
Curious,
I’m am also deeply touched that my writing and story is touching those places in your soul. The tears are also a gift to me. My story was meant to be shared.
You may give your friends the link below. It will take them to the beginning of my storyblog and all they need to do is go to the right top corner or each post and click “Next.” It will lead them on from there.
http://www.earofmyheart.com/wordpress/?p=162
RWF,
The gifts keep coming. I am a cup that overflows today….. I love that you see me as a gifted writer, and perhaps you are right. Maybe this deafness was given to me as a gift so that I may find this other talent. Who knows? It was hard to lose music. But I have learned to listen more deeply. Becoming deaf has been a gift in and of itself. I have learned so much along the way. Treasures greater than any soul could imagine…..
I love the image you described: “a pair of bare feet slowly walking over wet sand, in a indefinite pattern as if exploring.”
Lovely.
Thank you everyone for your comments. My heart is full.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on July 31st, 2007
I love you, Mama.
You are my hero. I want to be just like you.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on July 31st, 2007
Tears rolling down.. A big glup in my throat because I felt exactly same when you had the floodgate moment - I was screaming at God, and everyone else when I truly knew that I cannot get pregnant. Gosh - that moment is forever engraved on my heart. However, after that screamimg, floodgate of thousand tears - I finally moved on.
Left by Kim on July 31st, 2007
I should have dedicated this song, “Let It Be” to you instead for this Gary-Teri-Ridor fisaco. Maybe I’ll do “The Long and Winding Road” someday. Cheers.
Left by drmzz on August 1st, 2007