I believe we are all Spirits put on this earth to have a human experience. I believe our Spirits are on a journey to find their way back home. I also believe we are given angels and sages and guides along our journey if we only recognize them.
Angels, helpers and guides come in many forms and at different times in our lives. I have had more than a few in my company along the stretch of my existence. Some passed briefly in and out of my days, while other were found living right along side of me, day in and day out.
These are just a few of the Angels in my corner:
First, there is my mother, who is like the highest-ranking angel in my life. Hands down (or up waving), my mother is my greatest source of encouragement and support. She is my wisest teacher, my truest guardian, and my deepest inspiration. I want to be just like her. She has always been there to witness and validate my personal growth and transformations, and she has taken a deep interest in what I am learning about myself and the world around me as a deaf person.
Mama is my hero and role model. By her example, she has shown me how to live courageously. She has taught me not to be afraid of taking risks and that believing in oneself makes all the difference. My mother has always given me faith — in God, in myself, in others, and in a divine plan. I feel tremendously fortunate to have such a deeply close, spiritual and trusting relationship with my mother. I am truly blessed to have her as a living angel in my life.
Then, there is my dad’s mother, my Grammie Lee, who was my partner in this silent journey. Grammie Lee was experiencing age-related hearing loss when I was brand new with my own at the age of 17. We lived in different states at that time. I was attending Gallaudet on the East coast while she lived north of Seattle in the Pacific Northwest. I lived for Grammie’s letters back then. I made my daily trip to my post office box on Gallaudet’s campus hoping I would get a letter from her. We wrote often, sharing our grief over our broken ears, broken connections, broken hearts and changing identities. We also shared little bits of humor, wisdom and insight we both learned along the way that made our journeys into deafhood more bearable, and helped us remain connected to each other and our world around us. I was learning great things about myself as a deaf person while at Gallaudet and she wanted to know every detail.
Everyone loves to be read and heard. I’m grateful that my Grammie Lee was there. I don’t know how we would have made it through those beginning years of silence without each other’s empathy and support. The depression and isolation we both experienced in those early years of adjusting to our deafness was profound. There was no one else in the world understood the loss of music like my Grammie.
She used to say that one day she and I would sing with the angels. It was a comforting thought, and I like to still think it might end up that way some day. It was my Grandmother’s angelic comfort and personal empathy that helped me get through those first years of grief. I have grieved her recent passing like no other. But I know she is still there for me. She frequently visits me in my dreams, and sometimes she is singing.
Ten years after becoming deaf, I would meet another wise mentor and guardian angel named Michael. We worked together for almost a decade as school counselors at a deaf residential school. Michael inspired and terrified me all at once. He didn’t just listen to me — he looked beyond my human mask and searched for my spirit. Michael didn’t much tolerate hearing about the common human condition. Instead, he looked into your soul to find the divine in you. He dug deeply to pull my sacred nature forth, and then he would hold it up tenderly so that, I too, could see my divine spirit.
Michael challenged me continuously to become more and more vulnerable when I wanted to become more strong and in control. Michael rocked my world. He had a powerful way of holding up a mirror to my grief, fears and self-perception, and constantly reminded me of what really mattered. I never fully understood why Michael took me under his wing, but I loved him for guiding and watching over me. Eventually, I found that being under his wing was one of the safest places I knew. Whether he knew it or not, Michael led me to come to trust and accept myself and my divine nature more deeply than I ever had.
And then, there is my sweet husband, Brent — my soulmate — the love of my life. Brent has grown up with me, and grown along with me on this journey. He has held me steady in his arms, time after time, as I have wept with heaves of sorrow over the loss of music. I remember when John Denver died in a plane accident years ago, how it triggered a tremendous bout of grief in me. John Denver was one of my favorite musical icons. His songs were about the things that mattered: love and family, home and environment, wilderness, freedom and peace. The loss of his music triggered a profound sadness as I grieved the loss of my own ability to sing, hear and make music. I cried for days. Brent was there to see me through it.
Another time, when I discovered that a much anticipated James Taylor concert on TV wasn’t captioned, Brent was my sounding board as I balked angrily at the injustice of the lack of access, and then wept profusely at not being able to follow or hear the lyrics or tunes of yet another favorite musical icon. And again, when a repeat episode of Simon and Garfunkle in Central Park was also aired on TV, even though it was captioned, I still wept in Brent’s arms at not being able to hear their extraordinary music again. This is what is was like for a hearing person who had “become deaf.”
This strong, yet gentle and compassionate man has always been there for me, sometimes in his own grief along side of me, but always the ever-present angel in my corner. Brent’s unconditional acceptance of me as a late-deaf person, his tremendous respect, immeasurable support, strong encouragement, tender affection, and constant devotion has made my journey into deafhood a meaningful one. Brent’s love has shown me that I am not just a broken body part. He loves me completely. In his eyes, I am able to see myself as whole.
Finally, our son Paulie, our golden child and starflake from heaven, is my littlest angel and inspiration. Paulie is often my most profound teacher during this second part of my life. Loving him deeply and guiding him through his days, even amid the daily communication and parenting challenges I face as a deaf mom of a hearing child, gives me more pleasure than I could have ever thought possible. I find him to be my central cathedral, my deepest place of worship, adoration, devotion, forgiveness, amazement, and awe.
You, my dear one, are my heart and my favorite laughing place. I consider myself tremendously blessed to be your Mama.
God, The Divine Presence, The Source of ALL That Is, was and is always within each of these angels, sages, mentors and guides who have touched my life. I cannot look upon them without seeing the Holy Spirit looking back at me. It is a given. God’s Spirit is with me always. I am never alone. I thank each of my angels deeply for comforting, encouraging and guiding me along this great adventure called life. Every day there are new experiences to learn from. Every hour, life shares another bit of wisdom and becomes another story along my journey. I love writing about these stories. As always, thanks for listening.
“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”
- Hermann Hesse
1877-1962, Novelist and Poet
Beautiful tribute to the angels in your life!
I love reading your blog, very creative and very inspiring and enlightening….
Left by Karen on March 4th, 2007
Thanks Karen, for your comments.
I believe we are constantly surrounded by wonderful people who are angels, sages, mentors and guides. Unfortunately, we don’t always recognize these people for who they are. This was just a small opportunity I took to acknowledge the good that they do and have done for me.
Thanks for reading.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on March 4th, 2007