I lost my hearing at the age of 17 as the result of side effects of ototoxic medications used to treat a rare, life-threatening illness called Toxic Shock Syndrome. I’m glad survived this ordeal. I got to fall in love, find a career, and become a parent.
My husband and I got a late start in the baby making business. We were together for almost 14 years before we began to settle and make our family. Because of our late start, we have had to accept that our family would be a small one, kind of like the Three Bears - cozy and loving. We give great thanks for the blessing of our only son, Paul.
At a baby shower, before Paul was born, I was given a regular baby monitor that had red lights that lit up when the baby cried. I moved this monitor around the house with me when Paul was sleeping and I looked at it frequently. But this regular baby monitor would pick up all kinds of sounds in the house and it would light up all the time. I could be starting the dishwasher and the lights would go on the monitor because it would pick up that environmental sound. It wasn’t necessarily the baby crying. As a result, I was kept on my toes checking on my sleeping son quite often…
I decided that I needed some input from my deaf colleagues who were also parents to see how they dealt with this issue. After talking with them, I discovered there were assitive listening devices available that would help, and soon, I purchased a plethora of equipment that put our minds at ease. Among the devices I purchased was a signal alert component with a flashing light and vibrating monitor system that would help alert me specifically to our baby’s cries. These devices worked much better and helped me work around my deafness as a new mother.
Today they have visual baby monitors that do a wonderful job of keeping the baby in view. Had I known about these back when my son was small, I would have paid through my teeth to purchase one!
Still, regardless of the assistive listening devices I had, I felt most at ease when the baby was near me. At night, our son slept with us. We shared a family bed for the first few years of our son’s life. As a result, we all became in sync with each others sleeping rhythms, and believe it or not, we all slept better. I became ultra sensitive to movement and would be able to respond more rapidly to our son’s needs this way.
Having a husband who is “hearing” also reassured me that our baby’s cries would be heard and responded to. However, even though I had my husband’s support, and the assistive listening devices, I pretty much kept the baby near me wherever I was. My eyes became hypervigilant and my sense of touch grew more sensitive to vibrations and movement. These senses overcompensated for the lack of hearing.
I learned how to tell the difference between my son’s cries by watching his face and feeling his chest. I learned to distinguish the need behind these sounds by looking for clues. My eyes and sense of touch began to differentiate my son’s cries and sounds by watching for the accompanying event, body language or facial expressions that went along with them. Ironically, because of my deafness, I became an extra attentive and responsive parent — not less aware, but more. I think every mother or father of a newborn has an instinctual “inner knowing” when their baby is trying to communicate its’ needs. This goes beyond sound or silence.
When my son began to sleep more in his own bed, my husband took over a lot of the night time parenting. He, more so than I, would go to our son when he woke in the night, or had a nightmare, or when he was up trying to find the bathroom half asleep. I had to learn to let it be okay for my husband to tend to our child, as it sometimes went against my natural instinct. That didn’t make me a bad mom.
My husband’s night time parenting has been wonderful because he and our son have built a trusting and responsive relationship this way as a result. They have become very much in sync with the rhythms of the night and I sometimes get to sleep in peacefully, which is a nice perk. I do feel when my husband rises from our bed though, and I usually lie awake until he returns. Occasionally, I get up to see what’s going on, only to discover that my husband has already taken care of things and my son is tucked back into bed. Our family has great trust in one another.
When my son wants me specifically to tend to his night time needs, rather than calling out for me, he will come to my bed and tap my arm to wake me. He will motion for me to follow him. Then when we get back to his room, I turn on his dim bed lamp that allows me to read his lips without blinding us by bright light. Then, when I’m already there, he will tell me, “Mama, come to my bed. I’m having a bad dream.” I will help him turn his pillow over to empty out the nightmare and then tuck him safely back in bed with kisses and hugs. This is how it works for us.
My deafness it is not a barrier to my parenting skills. Rather, it has made me a more attentive and responsive parent. I parent with a different-ability, not a disability. It’s all about attitude. Sometimes we need to educate those around us and help them understand that we are much more than just a broken body part. Good parenting comes from a deeper place within. It comes from a place of patience, and by showing our children unconditional love. I listen and parent with the ear of my heart.
Powerful statement…yet deeply understood and appreciated.
Left by Josh on March 24th, 2007
Thank you Josh for your comment. My heart is full.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on March 24th, 2007
I had some control issues with my first son. I was afraid that my husband would react differently than I would. It took me a while to realize that he would, of course, react differently and that I was going to have to accept this. We both offer unique traits that round off our parenting techniques. It’s nice to know that parenting is a universal language.
Left by Carolyn on March 28th, 2007