My courageous siblings once told me that after I lost my hearing, I began to consistently sing off pitch. It was simply heartbreaking those first few months after I’d lost my hearing when I would try to sing some of our old choir songs with my brother. He tolerated my requests, bless his heart. Yet, he too grieved, perhaps more privately and in a deeper way than others…
My brother was with me for several years in choir. We sang together in choir and ensemble performances. He was there during my most of my vocal solos and command performances throughout high school. He knew, better than anyone else in my family how well I could sing. We were proud of each other and championed one another as we performed. Though we rarely spoke about it, we both felt immense sorrow, not so much about the loss of my hearing, but at the loss of the music we shared. It was our common bond.
Even though I can’t hear myself sing, I continue to sing all the time, but mostly when I’m alone to avoid the embarrassment of being heard singing off key. I sing in my car almost daily as I drive to and from work. It’s an unconscious ritual that is almost like prayer. I sometimes still sing in the shower or hum underwater in the bath. There is something acoustic that happens when you sing underwater, deaf or not. Occasionally I sing around the house while cleaning, and sometimes, I’ll still sing a lullaby to my 10-year-old son, who has never had a problem with the sound of my voice when I sing. Music of any kind has always soothed him.
It is common among deafened people to play the same music over and over again in their minds, once their hearing is lost. We live in a sort of time warp, remembering music we knew before we lost our hearing. We cannot turn it off or change it by listening to other songs like hearing people can. We often have the same song running in our heads for days, weeks or whole seasons. New songs are never added. Over time, the songs we have running in our minds tend to become distorted. We mix up verses, forget words, or only remember the chorus.
Late-Deafened people are the kind of people who will sit through a full half-hour of captioned infomercials from Time Life Music, watching someone trying to sell music classics from our past. We LOVE those programs because it helps us remember songs we wouldn’t normally remember on our own. It’s pretty discouraging though when we learn that the DVD’s that go along with the CD’s they sell, are not closed captioned or subtitled. Sigh.
One of the things I miss the most about music is being able to turn on the radio while in my car on a long drive. When we go to visit family, it’s a 3-hour drive from our home. If my husband is driving, he turns on the radio and listens to talk shows to help keep himself from getting bored or sleepy. My son will sit in the back seat and listen to his CD’s or DVD’s through his headphones. For me, it’s hard enough sitting in the passenger seat with nothing to do on a long trip, let alone not being able to enjoy a talk show or music like they can. I either read until I get car sick, or I fall asleep.
If I’m making the trip alone with no other people in the car, I sing to myself the whole way! I go through the entire musical scores like Godspell or The Sound of Music. Sometimes, I surf for song lyrics on my text pager that connects to internet so I can remember some songs to sing. If I don’t sing, I’ll get sleepy or I’ll end up snacking to keep myself from getting bored on the long drive. Blah!
Even though I still sing to myself, I continue to feel an exquisite loss and tremendous void being unable to hear or sing music the way I used to. I can say without a doubt that the loss of music is the single, most profound part of losing my hearing.
I think you should continue singing.. find a venue for singing.
I also suffer from hearing loss, though mine is different from yours. Mine was caused from physical abuse from my biological family at a young age. After being adopted, I became good at lip reading. I now have very limited hearing, and none at all in an environment where a lot of people are talking, or if there’s lots of background noise.
I always wanted to sing, but had no encouragement because of my hearing loss. When I was 25 I started writing and recording music at home, and eventually I met people to start a band with…we recorded 2 lps and played all up and down California with the band I formed.
I believe that once you’ve learned how to sing, it never stops. You don’t have to hear it yourself- you can feel it inside when you’re singing. You’ve written a lot about how you loved to sing, and I don’t think you should stop doing it now just because you can’t physically hear yourself now. I’d like to hear that you’ve tried singing again, since you obviously enjoyed it so much before.
Don’t give up on something you really love.
c
Left by Colleen on March 5th, 2007
Thanks, C.
Just letting you know that even though I cannot hear to sing, I still sing all the time! Just not in public.
LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on March 5th, 2007
I sure do sing off key, but my kids did not mind it either. Lol. It always brings smile to their faces.
Left by Dianne K on April 7th, 2007