After our classes at the CCD Conference were done for the day, I joined Mama and others for dinner. We walked down several blocks to a fast food restaurant past the Anaheim Convention Center. When we got back to our hotel room, I noticed my wallet was missing from my purse. I remembered taking it out of my purse to get money to pay for my meal. I thought I put it back. Mama offered to call the restaurant to see if it had been found, but no wallet had been turned in.
I was very upset, having lost my drivers license, credit card, $40 dollars and some irreplaceable pictures. Mama suggested that we walk back to the restaurant and retrace my steps. Perhaps it would turn up. I agreed. We walked for several city blocks, stopping to look in garbage cans in case someone may have found the wallet, took the money, and tossed the rest. But we found nothing.
I became angry that someone had my driver’s license. It was as if someone had stolen my identity. I grew fearful, imagining someone charging up my credit card and leaving me in deep debt. My anger turned to panic. That’s when Mama stepped in.
With a bit of humor, she said, “Honey, in your lifetime, you’re going to lose many things. I imagine we all lose about twelve combs, 3 sets of keys, and a wallet or two. Each time I lose something, I just tell myself, ‘That’s one more down, only 2 more to go and I’m home free!’”
I knew Mama was trying to get me to lighten up and get perspective, but I continued to argue that losing my wallet was a big deal.
Mama probably sensed that there was something deeper going on. Putting her arm around me, she told me that when we got back to the hotel room, she would help me call the credit card company to report the lost or stolen card and to have it stopped. This should have made me feel better, but I was still filled with a tremendous sense of loss.
On the walk back, I balked at having lost the $40 dollars in cash that would cover the rest of my meals for our stay. But Mama reassured me that she had enough money to cover my meals and that I need not worry. Then I went on and on about how my precious pictures of my friends were lost forever, how they were irreplaceable — something I could never, ever get back again. Mama listened patiently as I vented. I ended up having quite a cathartic wail.
I know now that it was not the loss of my wallet, money or pictures that I was lamenting. In reality, I was mourning the loss of my hearing and former identity once again. The lost wallet was simply the incident that triggered the grief. I had lost something invaluable and irreplaceable — my hearing. There was no number to call to report this missing item. No one to ask to have this silence stopped.
My hearing, like my wallet, was gone for good. I had to accept it and move on.
“So hard to move on
Still loving what’s gone.
Still, life carries on
Caries on and on and on and on…
Let it out and move on
Missing what’s gone.
Still, life carries on
Still, life carries on and on and on…”
~ Peter Gabriel
