One afternoon, about 6 months after I had lost my hearing, a former choir classmate called me on the phone. Her name was Rachel, and I admired her greatly. She was an extremely talented musician and songwriter. She could play piano, pen tunes, and sing like nobody’s business!

Photo by: “kk+”

By that time, I had exchanged our regular phone receiver for one with an amplifier on the handset to adjust the volume, but I still couldn’t hear well over the phone. I couldn’t wear my in-the-ear hearing aids while using the phone either because they would whistle with feedback when the receiver covered them. I had to take one of my hearing aids out and try using the phone amplifier at the highest volume, but speech was still too distorted for me to understand clearly without seeing the speaker’s lips. So Mama often got recruited to pick up the other phone from her room and bring it around to the one in the kitchen so she could orally interpret what the caller was saying.

I was surprised and happy to hear from Rachel. It had been several years since we had really connected. She had moved to another school across town during her sophomore year. None of my other choir friends had called me since I had lost my hearing, so this was a surprise. As I strained to listen, unable to make out her distorted words, I watched my mother’s face drop in sorrow as she listened. I thought maybe Rachel had a terrible accident or was calling to tell me someone we knew had died.

Mama swallowed hard. Curbing her own desire to jump into the conversation and respecting her role as an oral interpreter, Mama explained that Rachel was asking if I would do the honor of singing at her wedding.

Photo by: “sarae”

This was a huge honor indeed! No one had ever asked me to sing at a wedding before. And, my musically talented idol and friend had picked me above all others to be the troubadour at her very special event!

But what could I say???… I stood there and trembled. Just when I thought I was beginning to learn how to cope with my hearing loss, my heart was breaking once again, rendering me vulnerable to the anguish and grief I would experience over and over in those early years of adjustment.

My mother did not answer for me, but her facial expression and body language let me know she was there at the ready if I needed her. I took a big breath and tried ineffectively to hide the crack in my voice as I explained to Rachel that I could no longer hear to sing.

Rachel stammered a bit and let out a stress laugh. Then she innocently responded that she had heard I had been sick and had lost some hearing some months ago, but she had heard I had recovered. She had assumed that my hearing had returned as well.

While fighting my own tears, Mama struggled to hold back her own as well. “Rachel, it’s such an honor that you thought of me. If I could hear, I would do it in a heartbeat!” I reassured her. “I’m so sorry though,” I apologized, trying not to give away how sorry I felt for myself.

Rachel gracefully handled the situation by asking me for my address in any case since she would love to have me attend her wedding. She explained that she had a back up plan if I was unable or not available to sing. She and her husband-to-be were thinking of taping their own voices and playing it on a sound system at their special event. It was a lovely idea and this broke the tension momentarily, but Mama had to finish the call when Rachel began asking her questions about my illness and subsequent hearing loss. As much as I tried, I could no longer hold back the tears. I whispered to Mama to give Rachel the address and then I flew to my room. My grief over the loss of music, and once again, the loss of my musical identity, had reached a low point.

Photo by: “Sasha”

Mama soon followed and sat on the side of my water bed while I wailed about the injustice of this infirmity. The floodgates opened.

“WHY, MAMA?!” I cried. “WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUPID HEARING LOSS?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!… WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR?!…. I CAN’T SING IF I CAN’T HEAR!!…. IT’S LIKE I’VE LOST 2 PARTS OF ME AT THE SAME TIME - MY ABILITY TO HEAR AND MY ABILITY TO SING!! …. WHY, MAMA?! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?! …WHY MEEEE?! …WHYYYY?!” I sobbed in protest.

As usual, with her remarkable, infinite wisdom, Mama gently stroked my hair and replied, “I know, Love…. I know. It isn’t fair, and if I could take this from you, I would.” Mama paused to help me wipe the tears from my eyes so I could read her lips. “Honey, there is a reason,” she continued. “There is a purpose for your hearing loss. We may not see it yet, but I know God has a plan for you, Dear One. I know….”

I wanted to balk at Mama and dispute her words. Yet, as I looked deeply at her, I sensed a powerful force speaking through her, a kind of grace that was foretelling of a significant transformation in my life. I wanted to believe Mama. I needed to know that my life was still important and special. The idea that there might be some higher, sacred purpose for my hearing loss moved me deeply.

Photo by: Ken Douglas

Mama stayed with me as I wrestled with my demons. Steadfast, she listened to me as I cast the torment from my heart. She was the anchor that stayed me while I rocked with the stormy waves of my own rage on my water bed. She was my lighthouse, my buoy and bell, steering me clear and away from the jagged rocks.

Photo by: “_mpd_”

And I saw God’s light in her face….

…and I remembered from whence I came.

Photo by: Daniele Muscetta

Posted by LaRonda on Saturday, January 20th, 2007 at 10:06 pm.