When I woke again, my dad was gone and I was alone. However, I felt more alert than I had in days and I imagined I was finally getting better. I found my hospital guest book lying on the table beside my bed and I remembered Daddy had written in it. I picked it up and turned through the pages looking for his name and comments. I found him there on the last page. He wrote:

Photo by: “Angelo C.”

7-18-81
GOD LOVES YOU. I LOVE YOU. HAVE FAITH BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO. BE STRONG, THINK POSITIVE. NEVER GIVE UP. BESIDES IF I’VE EVER NEEDED YOU, I NEED YOU NOW. I NEED THE STRENGTH YOU HAVE SHOWN EVERYONE SINCE YOU’VE BEEN HERE. I KNOW
YOU CAN MAKE IT, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE A “CA$H & CO.” SO GET HOT! I LOVE YOU TO THE BONES.
DAD $

I sat quiet for a while with tears of love and loss in my eyes. I had very few things from my father — a birthday card for my 10th birthday, a letter he wrote to me right after he and Mama split, and an Indian medicine pouch he made for me out of Tandy leather when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Seeing his words written there in my little guest book was like getting a new treasure. Even though I knew Mama had made the right choice to separate from him –or from his alcoholism rather– I had missed him in my life so much over the years. I loved my dad and I was thrilled that he had been there to visit me, even though it was brief and I couldn’t remember much.

His words told me things a daughter needs to hear from her father throughout her lifetime — to “have faith,” “stay positive,” “be strong” and to “never give up.” And most importantly, Daddy told me that I was “loved.” I read those words over and over until they burned permanently onto my heart. My dad has passed on now. Though he probably didn’t know it then, those simple words were his legacy to me. I will cherish them forever.

Next to where the guest book lay, I found the Styrofoam cup Daddy had doodled on. He had written his infamous “Cash & Co.” insignia on that cup. There was once a famous Australian outlaw who went by the name of “Cash & Co.” I guess Daddy saw himself as an outlaw of sorts, someone who didn’t always go with the flow of society, and was branded in some ways as “the bad guy.” He definitely marched to his own rhythm. But he used this insignia in another way as well. He used to say he was “Cash” and we kids were his “Company.” It was his way of saying, ‘You are a part of me and we are joined together in heart, blood, sweat and tears. We’re a team no matter what.’ I understood the meaning of those words, and smiled.

Daddy had also drawn the symbol of a Thunderbird on that cup, like the one that adorned much of the Native American bead work he use to make when I was a child. I had learned that for Native Americans, the Thunderbird is a powerful Spirit bird, much like the legendary Phoenix. Legend says this bird periodically sets itself on fire and then rises from its own ashes. Thus, the Thunderbird or Phoenix is a symbol of hope and rebirth.

Photo by: “camera dawktor”

Daddy adopted the Thunderbird as his own personal emblem. The picture he drew probably originated from one of his wine bottles. Yet, I liked to think that this symbol had a deeper meaning for him. Perhaps he needed to believe, that like the Thunderbird or Phoenix, he too might one day rise from the ashes — from the dark trials, hardships, and disappointments he faced in his own life. I realize that my father desperately needed to believe in my survival because he needed inspiration and hope that recovery, even in the bleakest of circumstances, was possible.

And, I too, would need something to believe in. For in the days ahead, the person I knew myself to be would disappear in the fevers that burned me, and from the ashes, a new body would rise, along with the profound discovery of silence.

Posted by LaRonda on Saturday, January 13th, 2007 at 7:19 pm.